Last week I had to visit my doctor and get a prescription to go back on anti-depressants. I’ve been off them for 8 months and while the first 3 – 4 months were fine, I have slowly been sinking back into the mire that is clinical depression. After having my CBT therapy last year I wanted to see if I could go it alone like Batman without his cape. Those feelings of hopelessness don’t come back straight away but they creep up on you like a toxic ooze. Any motivation you had to do stuff you enjoy fades away. Then motivation to do simple things like getting out of bed and taking a shower seem like climbing a mountain. People talk to you but you can’t take anything in, any conversations are treated with a blank stare and disinterest. Concentrating for more than 5 minutes on anything is a big ask and you feel trapped by your inability to be a capable human being. And I could quite easily sleep for weeks, as I have no energy whatsoever.
If you ask me what is causing my depression I have no answer. My life is great, I have a wonderful husband and kitty kat, fantastic friends and family and I have some exciting things happening in 2014. I work freelance at home which is what I always wanted, and I’ve made tons of new friends from blogging. I know now after 16+ years my depression will always be with me which is why I need my medication to feel normal.
I’m also worried about the effect it has on James when I’m not on my medication. He never knows who he’s going to come home to, and that can’t be easy. He’s been very patient and supportive but there are times when I know he feels exhausted with it all and I don’t blame him, although he’s never complained. This is why this will be the last time I go off my pills. The interruption to our lives is not worth it and I’m lucky that my side effects on fluoxetine are few and don’t las that long.
I would say to anyone who is on medication and thinking about coming off of it, always speak to your GP first. It’s easy to think that when you feel better everything is fine. I’ve done this too many times to count now and I feel like I’ve lost several years of my life because of it.